


Time After Time

by sorrowfulcheese



Series: Calibration Concatenation [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 11:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorrowfulcheese/pseuds/sorrowfulcheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things are not meant to be known.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time After Time

    The entire frame of the Normandy shook slightly and Joker scowled. He hadn't done anything—  
  
    "The Thanix Cannon is preparing to fire," EDI told him calmly.  
  
    "At what?" he demanded, and flipped swiftly through the thirty or so holographic 'windows' he kept open. "We're not being fired on!"  
  
    EDI considered a moment. "It was activated by accident," she noted, and reached up with a graceful gesture to 'tap' at something. "I have deactivated it," she continued, still calm. The shaking stopped.  
  
    "What the hell happened?" Joker grumbled. He reached for the intercom, tapped out the sequence for the main battery. "Garrus?" he said.  
  
    "—don't stop for that," Shepard's voice drifted to them over the intercom, breathless.  
  
    "If I don't," Garrus panted, "you'll regret it after—"  
  
    " _Don't stop_ ," Shepard repeated, and there was a sound Joker could not identify, followed by a deep groan from Garrus.  
  
    Joker fumbled in his frantic attempt to shut off the intercom, and he stared straight ahead of himself for several minutes. He swallowed.  
  
    "Jeff," EDI said quietly.  
  
    "I don't want to talk about it," he muttered through his teeth.  
  
    "I want to apologise," she told him.  
  
    "For what?"  
  
    "I neglected to warn you, before you turned on the intercom."  
  
    "You knew." He turned his head to see her.  
  
    EDI turned her head to look at him as well. "Jeff," she said very gently, "you know that I am installed throughout Normandy, and am not limited to this frame. I see everything that is going on."  
  
    "I don't want to know that you're talking to me while you're watching Garrus violate the Commander on the console in the main battery."  
  
    "I am not watching."  
  
    "Listening. Recording. Whatever—" He hesitated. "You don't record stuff like that, do you?"  
  
    "I remember it," she said, "but I do not record it in a format that can be replayed. In other words, I am not making vids of the various crewmembers' intimate lives."  
  
    "I guess that's a relief," said Joker, dubious. He returned his attention to the holographic readouts before him, rearranged them the way he liked.  
  
    The Normandy shuddered again not fifteen minutes later and he shot a look at EDI, who calmly deactivated the cannon and continued her work. In another half hour it happened a third time, and Joker sat back in his chair and folded his arms.  
  
    "Three times," he said crossly. "I can't believe that they're wasting energy like this."  
  
    "Sexual intimacy strengthens the bond between them," EDI pointed out. "In addition, such activity can often help in relieving stress—"  
  
    "I mean the Normandy's energy, EDI," he snapped. "It takes a lot of energy to fire up that cannon, and they've gone and done it three times."  
  
    EDI blinked, once, tilted her head slightly to one side. "Are you genuinely angry about the wasted energy from the ship," she said, curious, "or are you simply jealous that they have in the span of just over an hour, made love three times?"  
  
    He stared at her. "Are you telling me that each time they set off the cannon was a separate—time?"  
  
    "Would you like me to tell you the truth?"  
  
    "Yes. No. _No!_ " He squirmed. "Yes."  
  
    EDI watched him a moment, no doubt attempting to judge whether or not he genuinely wanted to know. "Due to the physical requirements of turian-human intercourse, when they are mounted on the console, Shepard's unique positioning places her so that when Garrus reaches climax—"  
  
    "Okay, I'm sorry I wanted to know," Joker howled, and clamped his hands over his ears. He paused, then, and looked up at EDI again. "You're telling me he—managed that—three times in an hour?"  
  
    "It is perfectly normal for healthy turian males."  
  
    "What is he, fifteen years old?"  
  
    "He is nearly twice that, Jeff."  
  
    "Oh, God, I just pictured it."  
  
    Entirely unaffected by the conversation, EDI resumed her work. Joker thrashed a little in his seat as he attempted to rid himself of the mental image of Shepard and Garrus, naked on the console that controlled the giant cannon _on his ship_. His imagination ran wild and he groaned.  
  
    "Are you ill, Jeff?" EDI asked at last.  
  
    "I need something to scrub my brain."  
  
    "That would be detrimental to you physically," she assured him. "Unless you are seeking a lobotomy."  
  
    "It might help."  
  
    "It would render you useless to Normandy. Shall I have Dr Chakwas prepare a sedative for you?"  
  
    "No." He bent forward and rested his face in his hands. "No, God, no, I don't want it to show up in my dreams."  
  
    "If it makes you feel any better, they do take care to clean the console whenever they have had intercourse on it."  
  
    "How often do they do that?" he asked, despairing, into his hands.  
  
    "Quite regularly," EDI said. "Usually, however, Garrus remembers to turn off the console input first."  
  
    He sobbed. "We can never speak of this again."  
  
    "I don't understand."  
  
    " _Never_ , EDI."  
  
    "Very well, Jeff."  
  
    EDI watched him a moment longer before she turned, with an enigmatic smile, back to her holographic displays and her countless internal calculations.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea that really doesn't belong in any of the other ME stories that I have in mind, but it wouldn't leave my head, so I had to put it down. Joker's reaction to the situation is taken directly from real life reaction to the thought of naked Garrus (you know who you are, hands-on-ears-eyes-shut-la-la-la). I'm just sayin' ;) 
> 
> Once again, I apologise for the silly :D


End file.
